editor
Security: Who Can I Trust?
Without a firm foundation of security in people, children won’t have sure footing. They won’t grow or achieve as much success because they can’t take appropriate risks. They also may be lonely because they don’t know who they can trust. These experiences and choices mean they’ll experience less, learn less, and even love less.
They may lie and bully more if they don’t value being trustworthy themselves. Because they’ll assume people are difficult, they may put their security in things like grades, looks, and popularity. They’ll want these things to be dependable, but this isn’t wise because they don’t last. Children need to learn who they can trust and how to behave so others can trust them. Therefore, prioritize discernment, forgiveness, honesty, faithfulness, integrity, self-control, consistency, gentleness, kindness, and responsibility.
Think about the current state of your children’s security. What qualities might you want to emphasize now?
Identity: Who Am I?
Children must know who they are. Without this clarity and confidence, they’ll be like grains of sifting sand and feathers in the wind. Or worse, they may intentionally change to fit in with this or that group. They might pretend not to care about God, and to like a game, movie, or someone’s decision about their gender in order to fit in.
Being content in a complete and positive identity and having solid security makes negative identity changes like these less likely. Knowing they can trust themselves and others empowers them to change only for the right reasons. With firm security and healthy identity, rather than compromising truth and values, they’ll rest in who they are, find others who like them for who they are, and willingly influence culture.
If they’re not self-aware and have blind spots about who they are, they can be confused, hopeless, or become angry when you try to point things out. In this case, teaching about humility, self-respect, and discernment pointed inward to how they feel and outward to how others relate to them. In general, effort and bravery will help them become who they need to be, and generosity, gratitude, sincerity, and unselfishness will serve them well. Resilience and remorse, which I could have listed as characteristics of security, would also be important to me.
Belonging: Who Wants Me?
Being trustworthy, knowing who they can trust, and knowing who they are form the foundation of a healthy belonging. This is another legitimate need. Without strong connections to family, healthy peers, and adults, children may be lonely and stressed, confused by people, and angry when left out. You’ve probably seen this play out at times.
Discernment helps children know the difference between peers who have a bad day and those who consistently behave in an immature and unhealthy way. For example, is Lisa usually kind, cooperative, and gentle, but on one particular day she wasn’t? That’s different from people who are consistently manipulative and mean. Children must be able to tell the difference in order to know when to stay in a relationship and when to leave. Discernment allows children to know if they should give someone a second chance. They will be able to do it because they are resilient. Discernment is also essential for self-examination.
When children struggle with issues related to belonging, they can look back and ask themselves how healthy their security and identity are. With this analysis, you can assist them. For example, if they’re insecure, it’s easier to follow the crowd in doing wrong. If “I must be the best” is their identity, they will likely be self-assured and communicate through competition rather than healthy relationships. They’ll be critical of others and impatient and angry with themselves when they’re not the best.
Purpose: Why Am I Alive?
When children don’t trust themselves (security), don’t have a positive view of who they are (identity), and aren’t in life-giving relationships (belonging), they may doubt they have purpose. They won’t believe in their todays or tomorrows. They may not persevere to overcome challenges but instead become apathetic and pessimistic. They may never become who God created them to be and that would be disappointing. Even tragic.
Parents are different so this doesn’t describe your children!
Gratitude and joy also make other-centeredness more likely. When this is coupled with self-efficacy (the ability to accomplish their goals), these children will be unstoppable. Knowing they can be effective helps them look for purpose. Expecting to be effective is a huge blessing! Now they just won’t be frustrated or angry about the chaotic culture but will want to improve it. They want to because they believe they can. If they couldn’t, they’d choose not to be motivated—wanting to change something without real hope that they can is discouraging and demotivating.
Competence: What Do I Do Well?
When I speak to parents about these five core needs, I realize that many have made competence the foundational first need. They flip the pyramid. I get it. The culture and many organizations celebrate what we do well exclusively. Maybe your parents did that and only paid attention to you when you did things well or perfectly. It’s possible that they gave you the impression that your performance was less important than you were. It affected you then and this may affect your parenting now.
